A minister di:es and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a man who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The man replies, “I’m Joey Shasta, retired airline pilot.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”

A blonde had just been in a terrible car accident

A blonde had just been in a terrible car accident. Somehow, she climbed out of the wreck without a single scratch — and was calmly applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper pulled up.

The officer stared at the crumpled mess of metal and said,
“Ma’am, your car looks like it got flattened by an elephant! Are you sure you’re alright?”

The blonde smiled and replied,
“Oh, I’m perfectly fine, officer!”

Still puzzled, the trooper asked,
“So… what exactly happened here?”

The blonde explained,
“Well, officer, it was the weirdest thing! I was just driving along when out of nowhere — this tree jumped right in front of me! So I swerved to miss it, but another tree popped up on the other side! I swerved again and there was another tree… then another… and another!”

The officer paused for a moment, then said,
“Ma’am, there isn’t a single tree on this road for at least 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”