How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up the little fluffy bundle and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby.
Position forefinger and thumb of right hand on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. It’s OK, it won’t bite. As cat opens mouth, smartly pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and silly cat from behind sofa.
Repeat 1.
3. Retrieve pesky cat from under sofa, and throw soggy pill away.
4. OK. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly and firmly with left hand.
Gently but firmly force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Withdraw finger smartly. Hold cat’s mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and annoying cat from top of wardrobe in bedroom.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore unearthly growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth (the cat’s, not yours). Slide pill down ruler, hold cat’s mouth shut and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve devil cat from curtains.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit.
Put pill in end of large-diameter drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil (the cat’s, not your spouse) and prepare to blow down drinking straw like a Pygmy’s blowpipe.
9. Check label to make sure pill you just swallowed not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s armpit and remove bl00d from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve flea-bitten bag of fur from atop neighbour’s shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer and drink. Place cat inside cupboard, and close door tightly onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon (the cat’s, not the spouse). Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of 20-yr old Malt you were keeping for ‘a special occasion’. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot (yours, not the cat’s). Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one.
12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the b****y cat from the large tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves, a full-face motorcycle helmet with visor down, your heaviest winter anorak, and a friendly local policeman’s Kevlar jacket, tie the little b******’s front paws to rear paws with nylon twine and bind tightly to radiator pipes. Force “Beelzebub’s” mouth open (ie. the cat’s) and RAM pill into its mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak you were looking forward to for dinner. Be as rough as you
like about it, it **!%£$%** deserves it!!!!!!!!. Grab cat by throat, hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. When all is quiet, sit up, pour more of your precious Malt down throat (YOURS, NOT THE CAT’S). Get spouse to drive you to A & E. Sit in traumatised stupor while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Get spouse to call plumber on way home to request emergency repair of central heating pipes.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect MUTANT CAT FROM HELL – NOW!!!!!!!.
Call local pet shop to ask if they have any HAMSTERS,!
